We need to talk.....

This weekend is World Mental Health Day and I want to talk to you about my personal story. I’ll admit that I’ve been in two minds about being so open and honest but I figure that if no one talks about these things we can make no progress to understanding each other. Whatever you make of the following, thank you for your time in reading it.

I, like countless other people, am someone who has suffered with poor mental health. Thankfully, as I write this I am as happy as I ever remember being. But, what a struggle it has been at times. I am grateful that we are beginning to see changes in societal attitudes that make it easier to openly discuss mental ill health and to approach it as we would physical illnesses that we might deal with at times. There is good health and ill health, physical and mental. None of us know if or when we might fall into ill health and how long those issues might last.

Over the years, I’ve come to understand mental health a lot better. There is an interesting concept in psychology called the Locus of Control. This attempts to understand and explain the extent to which a person feels that external influences rather than internal influences determine events in their lives and their ultimate happiness. My locus of control is external but I’m working on making it internal.

A feature of those with an external locus of control is to procrastinate. And, my word, have I perfected that art?! We wait for external signals that it is the right or safe time to act / decide / speak / start… And of course, said external factors never do. Why should they? All the while, internally, anxiety is building that a deadline is approaching and we haven’t even begun to tackle the task in question.

In the early 1990’s I moved to Leeds to go to university. At first I loved it. First taste of freedom, a new start in an exciting large city, an escape from the baggage I’d accumulated during my school years. And then reality hit. I wasn’t as good as I thought I was. There were people at university who were much, much cleverer than I was.

I began to feel that I didn’t deserve to be there. That somehow it had been a fluke that I’d been given a place. During the first Christmas vacation, I almost dropped out. But my parents persuaded me to stick at it and I’m so glad that they did. However, I switched subjects at the end of my first year. I’d decided I was bored with French and German (my two absolute favourite subjects at school) and switched to Chinese. At least everyone would be starting from a level playing field and I’d be able to hide the fact that really I wasn’t clever enough to be sat alongside them. Four years later, I graduated with a 2:2 BA Hons. Not the best, but not the worst. But I never wanted to learn how to write another Chinese character again!!!

Into the world of work and I did what most new graduates do. Took a temping job on a fraction of the salary that permanent colleagues were earning. Over the years, I had a number of jobs with ever increasing salaries. To the outsider I was successful; responsible job, financially independent, own house and car, several foreign holidays a year, lots of disposable income.... But the flawed thought processes I’d adopted over the years were telling me that it was all a fluke. One day I’d be found out as a fraud; I’d be publicly humiliated; that I’d be shamed as a charlatan.

I started my business following a rather sudden departure from the world of paid employment. I had a 90 minute commute each way to work, and a stressful job. When the crunch decision came, it felt like a massive relief to never have to go there again. Despite the financial difficulties that Covid lockdowns presented, it is a decision I have never once regretted.

Thinking back to my long commutes to and from work, I realised that I spent much of the journey worrying about what the day ahead would bring and my ability to cope with it. On the way home, I’d spend the time re-running the day’s events, often misremembering them or blowing them out of proportion, searching for where I’d let myself down or made a mistake - laying the groundwork for the following day’s worry time on the way to work.

Towards the end of my life in employment I took some therapy - specialist alcohol support to help me with my drinking problems; and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy to help with my flawed thought processes. And I can’t recommend them highly enough to anyone who is in need of assistance. During the CBT, I learned about the rumination / worry cycle and how to spot when I was disappearing down one or other of those rabbit holes. Things were beginning to make sense for me.

Both worry and rumination when taken to extremes, as they often are when you're struggling mentally, are a waste of time and energy and only succeed in making you feel worse. Worry is spending time imagining all the terrible things that might happen but probably won't. Rumination is spending time fretting about things that have happened, which probably weren't as bad as we (mis)remember them. We can't live our lives in the past or the future, on 'what ifs' and 'if onlys'. To do so only increases anxiety. The only moment that is important is the one that is happening right now, this second. Learning to train the mind to focus on 'now' takes some practice but it does bring peace.

Another term I became familiar with is ‘cognitive dissonance’. As soon as it was explained to me, a penny dropped. Cognitive dissonance occurs when what an individual feels on the inside doesn’t match with their external experience of life. In my case, there was no external evidence that I wasn’t clever enough to be at university. In my working life, my career progression indicated that I was capable of holding a responsible job. But when you feel rubbish on the inside, positive external factors are easily dismissed. And so, without realising it, I indulged in behaviour that others might see as self-destructive or self-sabotaging. I skipped lectures, didn’t put in the required effort, threw myself into partying and when my results slipped, finally the external matched the internal and confirmed my thoughts that I wasn’t good enough. Same process in the world of work. Unprofessional behaviour, speaking out of turn, running tight on deadlines….. You get the idea.

It was during one of those therapy sessions that I settled on the name for my business. My therapist asked me how I was doing. I replied that I was doing much better but didn’t feel out of the woods just yet. And that was that. Now, each and every day, in everything I do with my business, I’m declaring that I’m out of the woods. And Boy, does that feel good!

I’ll never forget in my darkest days reaching out to my dear friend and weaving teacher Leilah (Dragon Willow). Even in the most difficult of times, I remembered how much I’d enjoyed attending her workshops as a student and I knew I had to do something to prevent me spiralling downwards. I emailed her asking if I could come over and sweep the floor of her workshop, throw the ball for her beautiful dog or anything that would get me out of the house and away from the bottle. I literally sobbed with gratitude when she replied that I could come over and help her out.

The first day I went over, Leilah showed me how to make a willow reindeer; a simple, 10 minute project with just 4 pieces of willow. I could hardly hold the willow as my hands were shaking so much. A few days after that, I helped Leilah coppice some willow. After that, we went to prune some holly and foliage for her Christmas workshops. I was a complete mess and could barely string a sentence together, but Leilah’s kindness to me is something that I will always be grateful for. And it taught me the importance of the creative process. And gave me the courage to take the massive step away from the security of a salary. I wanted the freedom Leilah had to make her own decisions about how she spent her day.

And here I am - a couple of years into self-employment - and I’ve never been happier. Yes, it has been a struggle - I’ve never set up and run a business before. But I am loving the learning curve I’m on. My lack of experience showed in the first year of trading. My first market was a disaster but I felt proud that I’d been able to leave the house during the day without having had a drink to steel myself. I had no idea how to reach the customers who would spend their hard-earned cash on my products.

Over that year I became more confident in how to target my products and services at my potential customers, But, just as things started looking up, Covid locked down my business. I’ll admit to really struggling with my motivation during those long months, I’d see other craft businesses on social media deftly pivot to new methods of delivery whilst I floundered, bereft of ideas once my main income source had been removed. But never once did I allow myself to slip to the depths I’ve previously experienced.

And, I’m still here - proud that my determination and positive outlook won through over tough times. And I’m better for it. I’ve now got loads of ideas of diversifying my income stream to reduce my reliance on face-to-face workshops. Not that my workshops are going anywhere - they are most definitely here to stay! And I’m working on broadening my range for those of you who don’t want to make a basket.

So, what was it that got me through the tough times? I drew on the therapy that I’d taken and fixed my head such that the lockdowns didn’t destroy my mental outlook. Someone once said to me that it isn’t worth worrying about the things you can’t change. You should focus on those things that you can change. Changing the circumstances that you can and accepting the circumstances that you can’t change will result in a happier life. I can’t claim to be the expert at this technique but I do try to remember it. I couldn’t change the lockdown or the effect it had on my business or social life. Therefore, no point worrying about it.

Another technique I employed was to find something each and every day that I’m grateful for. Seeing a beautiful flower, the company of my dog, my family and friends, the sound of rain on the window. Anything. And everything. And that is the trick I've learned. If we feel we are sickening for a physical illness, we often take pre-emptive action; take a couple of paracetamol, have a hot bath and an early night, eat more healthily etc. With mental health it can be similar. If we learn to recognise the early signs we can take proactive steps to make things better for ourselves. I've learned to notice when I'm worrying and now take steps to close down that way of thinking. I recognise when I'm being overly self-critical and I give myself some grace. I'm aware of when I'm giving more significance to what others think of me than to what I think of myself. If I make a mistake, I call it a learning experience rather than beat myself up.

But, back to craft. I am a crafter. I make things that I sell. I make things that I don't sell. I make things for the fun of making them. Lovely customers book my workshops to learn about what I do for a living. How precious is that? I spend my days playing with twigs and turning them into things that attract value. And doing so brings me peace of mind.

When I’m making, I sit alone in my workshop, listening to the radio, focussing on what I’m doing. What the rest of the world is doing doesn’t enter my thoughts. I’m concentrated on what my hands are doing and what I'm aiming to achieve. This is what is known as ‘mindfulness’ - not ruminating on what has happened in the past, or worrying about what might happen in the future. Just focussing on what is happening in the immediate moment.

And that is why craft is so good for your mental health. Just enough concentration to take the outside world away, but not too much concentration that it becomes a chore. It doesn’t matter what craft you opt for, it all works the same. And that is just the process……

What results from the process is the product - something that wasn’t in existence before you invested the time and effort into bringing it into being. It doesn’t have to be the finest example of its kind. A wonky hand-crafted item can bring as much joy - if not more joy - than the finest work of the most highly-skilled craftsperson. Taking time out of our busy lives to do something creative is restorative. Forget the day-to-day grind for a moment. Just make something. I urge you all to try it.

And, please, if you feel like you’re struggling, reach out to someone. It’s hard, but people really do understand.